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Also, to anyone placing an order, we'll include a new CD message by Norm entitled "Avoiding the Spirit of Control" (the subject of the next few Chariots), for free!

Chariot August 2008 - Norm Wakefield  

The Spirit of Control - Part 2

    Mike and Cyndi's story has been seen a thousand times over. It's a typical story of parents who were under a spirit of control, but didn't know it until they lost control and lost their relationship with their children. To the casual observer in their homeschool community, it looks like Mike and Cyndi are parents who are committed to high values and separation from the world. In fact, they are so committed, that it appears that they have sacrificed their relationships with their two oldest children and their grandchildren because they refused to compromise their standards. These two grown children appear to be in rebellion to their parents and their lifestyle. However, Mike and Cyndi's last two children appear to be testimonies of their faithfulness and convictions. They represent their parents well to the community. But that's not what God sees.

The Spirit of Control originates from idolatry.

    Like many of their peers, Mike and Cyndi reacted to the permissiveness of their parents and their own failures in their young adult years. When they came to Christ and repented of their worldliness, they dedicated themselves to be responsible parents and hold to a high standard of holiness. This repentance is commendable. But without realizing it, they began to make an idol of their lifestyle and standards.

    Anytime we look to someone, something, or an imagination other than God as a source of significance and happiness, we have become idolatrous. In my book, Equipped to Love: Idolatry-free Relationships I give a thorough description of the spirit of idolatry from the first commandment. One of those characteristics is that the spirit of idolatry controls or manipulates to get its idols to supply what it desires. This idea is communicated when God said, "You shall not make for yourself an idol..." (Deut. 5:8).

    We must always be on guard for idolatry because it is what the world calls love. However, God sees it as idolatry, the counterfeit of His love. When someone in the world says, "I love you", God sees that they mean, "I want you to make me happy." The spirit of idolatry says, "I love you when you do what I want, like I want, when I want." Without realizing it, even Christians can fall prey to this lie and deception, thinking they love someone and are "blessing" them when in reality they are seeking to control them for their own purposes and happiness.

    I think that's what happened to Mike and Cyndi and many more well-meaning, responsible parents. As they grew in their understanding of the Christian life, desires also grew for their children and their relationship with them. They desired that their children accept Christ early in life, adopt their high standards of living, and marry someone of whom they approved. Additionally they had desires for their children to avoid the promiscuous dating experience and created a mental and emotional idol of the "courtship" experience and future relationship with their married children. Can you relate to Mike and Cyndi or perhaps their children?

The Spirit of Control uses misdirected responsibility.

    Mike and Cyndi didn't realize they had made idols of their children, the testimony of their children, or of an imagined relationship with their married children. In their minds, they had "godly" desires. By that I mean they thought that if they and their children submitted their lives to this "vision", God would be pleased. So they took it as their responsibility to make sure their idea of a godly vision was attained. And that's where they went wrong! They fell completely into the snare of the spirit of control empowered by idolatry.

    Their error was in thinking that desires and goals are synonymous, when in reality, they are quite different. God doesn't call us to be responsible for accomplishing our desires. It is He who gives us the desires of our hearts (Ps. 37:4) as we trust in Him to bring them to pass. Our responsibility is to give our desires to the Lord and pray, trusting Him to work and fulfill them if it is His will. The key phrase in this last sentence is trusting Him. If what you desire to come to pass requires more than just yourself for it to be realized, then you cannot approach it like you do a goal as your responsibility. If you do, you'll come under the spirit of control and begin to manipulate and seek to control other people's thinking, behavior, and relationships�for your own interests.

    Do you see that when a person tries to get others to do what he or she wants, even if what is desired for them is right and in their best interest, it is idolatrous and controlling? Your answer to this question is important. It is important because you can be blinded to the spirit of control and resulting destructive words and actions by the good that you desire for yourself and others. That's misdirected responsibility.

The Spirit of Control doesn't trust in God, but trusts in man's efforts.

    If you want your child to behave a certain way, then your desire must be taken to God. Trust Him to work in the heart of your child to produce the desired behavior. Since your desire involves you and your child, then you cannot make the right behavior in your child your goal. Your goals can be:

�         Trust in God to work as you obey His Word.

�         Trust in God to work while you teach your child what God's Word teaches.

�         Trust in God to work while you teach your child how it would be a benefit to him and others to behave a certain way.

�         Trust in God to work when you punish your child with reproof or the rod if their actions are foolish.

�         Trust in God to work as you are consistent with teaching and discipline.

    When a parent trusts in his own efforts and responsibility to do the right thing and to produce right results in his children, the children can detect the pride, self-interest, and lack of faith in God. When something is done with a sincere trust in God and no reliance upon self effort or the effort of the child, the Holy Spirit may then bear witness in the heart of the child that what is being done is true love for Christ and him or her. There is a peace, patience, and love that pervades the relationship. As the Psalmist wrote, "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man" (Ps. 118:8).

    However, a child can tell when his parents are trusting in themselves or in his efforts to comply. Tone of voice, anger, harshness, more intensity in the spanking, threats, lies, and/or abusive speech all expose the source of trust�man's efforts. They feel rejected, shamed, abused, and afraid. Deep inside, they know this isn't right. Often they are so overwhelmed with these feelings that they can't hear anything else.

The Spirit of Control is more interested in right action than right motivation.

    What glory is there to God if a person does the right thing for the wrong reason or the wrong thing for the right reason? None! Let me explain. If a child obeys because he's afraid of the rejection of his parents, he may do the right thing, but there's no glory to God because he isn't obeying by faith through a relationship with Christ. If an older child refuses to comply with his parents because he realizes it is wrong to fear men rather than God, his reason may be right, but he is doing the wrong thing (not submitting). Paul wrote to the Romans that if an action is not of faith, then it is sin (Rom. 14:23).

    If the child realizes he would only be complying with his parents because of fear rather than love, he is right to examine his motivation. When the parent makes it an issue of outward performance rather than heart, he may push the child to react to the controlling spirit rather than to the Holy Spirit. The child picks up on the spirit of control in the parents and concludes, "My parents want me to obey for their image and happiness, not because they want me to love God." I'm not saying this excuses the child from misbehaving, but explains common dynamics in such relationships.

    If we love God, we want our children to respond to us because of love for God and love for us, not out of fear or manipulation. We want to teach our children that the heart relationship with God is the most important relationship in their lives. They need to know that not all right actions are glorifying to God�only those that flow from the life of Christ within. So from the time they are small, we want to lead them to responsibility to God first and foremost.

The Spirit of Control establishes sick relationships

    The spirit of control looks for people who need and/or respond to affirmation and praise. It knows the person can be controlled by approval and rejection. It's not hard to deduce how King Ahab was controlled by Jezebel (1 Kings 21:25). He needed her. Herod was manipulated because he needed the approval of men and Herodias' affection (Mark 6:17-29). The Apostle John challenged Gaius and the brethren for allowing Diotrophes, a tyrannical leader in the church, to control the church (3 John 9-10). In each of these cases, great evil came out of sick relationships between people who needed approval and people who had a spirit of control.

    In the same way as those who needed approval in the above examples, the compliant child usually does whatever it takes to make the parent happy, and so he or she willingly comes under the spirit of control. On the surface, the relationship between the compliant child and the controlling parents looks healthy and admirable. However, in reality, the relationship may be unhealthy. Each person is using the other for self-ambition and self-affirmation. They may have learned simply to perform for the approval of others without developing a relationship with the Holy Spirit. The unhealthy and destructive nature of the compliant child's relationship with his parents may not manifest itself until the child gets married and must make his own decisions. The mate of such a child usually discovers their mate doesn't know who he or she is without his or her parents.

    The most destructive fallout of a relationship where parents have controlled their children is that the controlling spirit in the parents usually doesn't cease after their child's wedding. Sadly, the controlled child finds he or she must at times choose between pleasing his/her parents or pleasing his/her spouse. Since displeasing the parent has always had a high level of guilt and rejection associated with it, the married adult still behaves like the compliant child and may choose the parents over his or her mate. When this happens, the spouse experiences rejection and must deal with the hurt from the fact that the parents are more important than their marriage. If the spouse resists the controlling, interfering parents, usually they come under great pressure and blame for being rebellious. This may continue for years resulting either in the destruction of the marriage or the destruction of the relationship with the controlling parents.

    When the spirit of control in parents destroys relationships, the observing public is usually deceived. The problem may appear to be with the children and not the parents because the parents have such a blameless and committed public image. The truth, however, is that the problem is the spirit of control in the parents which no one can see because it is hidden within the privacy of the home. The children don't talk about the controlling spirit of parents to others because it would be disrespectful and slanderous. So the awakened compliant child and his/her mate find themselves trapped in a sick relationship, appearing to be the rebellious ones, and unable to break free without completely severing the relationship with the controlling parents.

Have you taken your desires to God?

    The primary thing I want to speak to parents about on this topic of the spirit of control is your relationship with God. When a child won't do what you want when you want, do you realize you are being tested by God? He knows if you will bring your desires to Him and trust in Him or if you will idolize your child (or your idea of what your child should be) and resort to whatever manipulation you can think of to get them to do what you want.

    Maybe this comparison will help us understand the contrast between desire and responsibility. Do you desire to be justified before God and stand forgiven by grace? Notice I used the word desire. If that is your desire and you try to take responsibility for fulfilling that desire, you will find yourself condemned eternally even though you may practice a higher standard of outward righteousness than 99 percent of the people around you. I'm obviously not condemning the desire to be forgiven for our sins or to desire fellowship with God. I'm pointing out that we must realize that God has taken on the responsibility to justify us in His presence through His Son and trust in His work completely or else we perish.

    How can I say that so confidently? Because the desire to be justified before God requires more than your own work to obtain it. It requires the work of God through Christ on your behalf, and you can't make that happen. You can't believe in your own strength. You can't repent of self-reliance in your own strength. You can't see the mystery of the gospel with your own intellect. You must trust in God 100 percent, and ask God to be merciful and to glorify His Son, Jesus Christ, by saving you from your sin.

    The same is true in child training. You may desire for your children to be godly children who love God with all their hearts, who dress according to a particular standard, who speak graciously and respectfully to others, who never question why you do or say certain things, who will consider you to be their best friends after they are married, and a dozen other good qualities. However, the moment you notice they are not conforming to your idea of what they should be and you rely on your efforts to "bring them around", you have committed the same sin against God as trying to justify yourself by your own efforts. Instead you should have trusted in God 100 percent and asked God to be merciful to glorify His Son, Jesus Christ, by saving them and revealing Himself to them while you patiently taught, accepted, loved, and forgave them.

    Have you taken your desires to God, or have you tried to obtain them through control and manipulation? If you're not sure about the answer, ask your spouse or children? They know. How might you formulate such a question? Perhaps like this: Do you feel like I have trusted God to work in your heart for His glory or do feel that you were a task to be worked on and completed for my happiness and good name? This will take courage, but to be free from the spirit of control requires first dealing with your relationship with God revealed in your relationship with your children. Remember: God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble (1 Peter 5:5).

    In this article, I have tried to help you see where the spirit of control originates and how well-meaning spouses and parents can fall into the snare of this destructive spirit. I'm most concerned about how the spirit of control affects relationship with God, and so I've sought to give the Holy Spirit an opportunity to bear witness to the truth as it is read. May God have mercy, forgive our idolatries and manipulations of others, and grant us repentance daily to trust Him and love others with His love. 

Would you like to be on the Elijah Ministries Prayer Team?

    The backbone of Elijah Ministries is the prayer team who pray diligently for God to turn the hearts of men to Himself, their wives, and their children. Before I leave to speak, I send out a prayer team invitation to those who will intercede for God to work for His glory in us as a team for the Kingdom. Not only is it a blessing to those whom I speak and myself; but it is also a reminder to the team about the direction of their own hearts. If you would like to enter into the labor together with me, you may go to my website and click on "Prayer Team".

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I invite you to be a part of the moving of the Spirit of Elijah in your church, community, and the world. How?

1.  Send this article to other men or families that you know would benefit from it. You might inform them of the previous articles available on-line at our website.

2.  Share resources from the Spirit of Elijah Ministries with others. If Equipping Men or Rising to the Call have been a blessing to you, then you know it will be beneficial to others. Either share your resources, tell them about the resources, or purchase a set or two as an investment in their lives.

3.  Share with others what you have learned and put into practice in turning your heart to God, your wife, and your children. If God has done this in you, then He wants to affect others through you.

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            Norm Wakefield
            Elijah Ministries
            P.O. Box 377
            Bulverde, Texas 78163
            830.980.5606
            info@spiritofelijah.com
            http://www.spiritofelijah.com

08.08

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